Question for Single Fathers (1 Viewer)

[Windwalker]

Lots of incredibly good advice and perspectives, thank you. The biggest caveats I’m taking away are the ones about having both parents play an active part, as well as @TheDuke ’s question about Godparents.

Something I didn’t even consider around the question of godparents (because I still think of them as babies) are my nephews and nieces. My brother had two children and my sister has two. All four of them are in their mid-twenties. I’m close to them, but didn’t even begin to consider them as potential guardians were something to happen to me.

I have a second appointment at a clinic in Beverly Hills to discuss gestational surrogacy and look at some sample egg donor profiles, as well as speak to their in-house counselor about the risks / costs and overall process.

I will keep you updated.

 

[Windwalker]

The way to approach parenthood is this: When you have kids, your life no longer belongs to you.

Currently, you can do whatever you want without consequence to anyone relying on your existence to survive. That immediately changes when your kid is born, whether your in an LTR or not.

As far as dating goes, being a single father is certainly going to be perceived as baggage by some women. So by that virtue the dating pool is about to shrink. It also changes how you vet potential partners for an LTR. You may have considered whether someone would be a good parent before, but now that quality basically moves to the top of the list for anyone that's more than a casual.

From a utility perspective, everything is going to be more 'difficult' because your kid is always going to be your first consideration. Anytime you want to do anything independent of the kid, you have to make sure that they are provided for before you do anything else. It applies to basically everything... want an evening out? Gotta find a babysitter. Last minute weekend trip to Vegas? Only if you can find someone to watch the kid while you're gone. Does the kid have food allergies? Get ready to read labels religiously. Simply stated: say goodbye to the freedom you currently enjoy.

So the question isn't do you want to acquire a kid because your biological clock is ticking. The question is do you want to change your life in this way?

As to whether you should do this sans partner... much has been written/studied about the effects of a single-parent household vs. those with two active parents. It's something you absolutely need to consider. That isn't to say a child from a single-family household can't grow up to be a highly effective adult. But they're statistically less likely to.

This is perspective-rich. Thank you.

 

[Coyote]

Lots of incredibly good advice and perspectives, thank you. The biggest caveats I’m taking away are the ones about having both parents play an active part, as well as @TheDuke ’s question about Godparents.

Something I didn’t even consider around the question of godparents (because I still think of them as babies) are my nephews and nieces. My brother had two children and my sister has two. All four of them are in their mid-twenties. I’m close to them, but didn’t even begin to consider them as potential guardians were something to happen to me.

Nephews, nieces and godchildren are a fine substitute for children, for people with issues like mine and (probably / apparently) yours.
True bonding with them should ideally begin at a very early age, but you could always honestly try.

 

[Windwalker]

Nephews, nieces and godchildren are a fine substitute for children, for people with issues like mine and (probably / apparently) yours.
True bonding with them should ideally begin at a very early age, but you could always honestly try.

No, I meant as godparents to my child, were I to have one. I was musing a response to @TheDuke ‘s question.

 

[Lemonzest]

Children require a whole lot of love...

Kids really do need so much love. Their needs change over time but the amount of time and energy required by the parent remains significant through all stages. I have seen some of my wealthy friends really drop the ball with parenting since they just throw money at their pre-teen and teen kids.

I can't speak to older ages but from 0-10 kids will need a whole lot of love and attention from YOU. There is no way to hire someone else to watch your kids' little league games or take them to the doctor. My point is be prepared to have your life revolve around your kids. You can still make it work by making them an appendage to your life but that will lead to collateral damage with your relationship with your kid and their well being.

I would add that if you plan to delve into the world of having kids I think it works best to have more than one. Children are pack animals Growing up an only child in a world of adults isn't fun for the kid.

Naturally, all just my 2c.

 

[FDLmold]

Kids really do need so much love. Their needs change over time but the amount of time and energy required by the parent remains significant through all stages. I have seen some of my wealthy friends really drop the ball with parenting since they just throw money at their pre-teen and teen kids.

I can't speak to older ages but from 0-10 kids will need a whole lot of love and attention from YOU. There is no way to hire someone else to watch your kids' little league games or take them to the doctor. My point is be prepared to have your life revolve around your kids. You can still make it work by making them an appendage to your life but that will lead to collateral damage with your relationship with your kid and their well being.

I would add that if you plan to delve into the world of having kids I think it works best to have more than one. Children are pack animals Growing up an only child in a world of adults isn't fun for the kid.

Naturally, all just my 2c.

I love (the feeling) this statement. Because it explains the love (the action) that kids require. The Greeks have and have had many words for love. Eros, agape, philautia, and more, which is telling, because the word love can mean so many things. Kids need the action love, the service, the time, the conversation, the discipline. Discipline is a form of love, and a lot of people miss that. If I didn't care, then I wouldn't discipline, simple as that. So when I do discipline my students or children, it is an act of love. (Indifference and hate are synonyms in many respects.)

Bringing a child into this world, even as a single parent, is an act of love. I would not fret a possible future conversation where a child may be angry about being purposefully brought into this world without a mother/second parent. Because the counter argument is that if you didn't care, you would not have brought them into the world in the first place. You loved them before you ever saw them, and will love them for years before they can "repay" any love (the action) back. This is a selfless act, because it is a difficult thing to do. Characterizing it as selfish is wrong. IMO

 

[RudysNYC]

I can't give you perspective of being a single-father since I'm 24 and don't have any kids (that I know of, at least), but my dad was raised by a single mother and I was born when my parents were statistically well past their procreative sell-by dates, so maybe I can give you some piece of mind with that...

My grandmother, God rest her soul, was an incredibly strong-willed woman, almost to a fault. Besides the obvious, like missing out on backyard catches, my dad didn't really suffer practically, only emotionally--that is to say, it always pained him that he missed out on having a dad, but in terms of the opportunities and day-to-day ability to live a normal childhood, my grandmother made sure to pick up any slack. My dad came out more than fine--even though he didn't have a father, he's the best dad I could possibly ask for.

I was born when my parents were almost 49--due to how old my mom was, there was only a 6.25% chance that I emerge a boy without severe developmental problems. In all honesty, having older parents bothered me when I was a young child, but I truly believe it made me a better person in the long run. When I was 7 or 8, it bothered me that my parents couldn't do some of the things my friend's parents could, but looking back, having older parents (and by extension grandparents) forced me to develop certain skills and behaviors that a lot of people my age still haven't developed. I'm tremendously patient around elderly people, I am tremendously sensitive to older people who can't do certain tasks, and have more of an appreciation for what actually matters--while some younger parents of kids I went to high school were attending their own kids' parties, my parents were trying to shape me into a better person.

I know it's a very sensitive, personal issue Krish, but I'm also happy to chat over PM about the "traditional family" aspect of this. Parts of my extended family are observant and traditional Orthodox Jews, and one of my cousins from that side did something similar--the family came around sooner rather than later.

 

[Coyote]

I love (the feeling) this statement. Because it explains the love (the action) that kids require. The Greeks have and have had many words for love. Eros, agape, philautia, and more, which is telling, because the word love can mean so many things. Kids need the action love, the service, the time, the conversation, the discipline. Discipline is a form of love, and a lot of people miss that. If I didn't care, then I wouldn't discipline, simple as that. So when I do discipline my students or children, it is an act of love. (Indifference and hate are synonyms in many respects.)

Bringing a child into this world, even as a single parent, is an act of love. I would not fret a possible future conversation where a child may be angry about being purposefully brought into this world without a mother/second parent. Because the counter argument is that if you didn't care, you would not have brought them into the world in the first place. You loved them before you ever saw them, and will love them for years before they can "repay" any love (the action) back. This is a selfless act, because it is a difficult thing to do. Characterizing it as selfish is wrong. IMO

I respectfully disagree. Most people have children either as an accident or for, even unconsciously, selfish reasons.
If they 're wealthy, they pass on the children to step parents (nannies, baby-sitters, or "governants' and boarding schools in the past) and make sure to shower these actual orphans with money, to make them even more unhappy, as eventual adults.

Using some Greek, of the above forms of love, children only need agape (disinterested love), and should also be the product of agape between parents.
Inevitably a product of eros too (being under the spell of someone's charm), but out of just eros I could have had at least a dozen of them, if I were wealthy.

 

[Windwalker]

I know it's a very sensitive, personal issue Krish, but I'm also happy to chat over PM about the "traditional family" aspect of this. Parts of my extended family are observant and traditional Orthodox Jews, and one of my cousins from that side did something similar--the family came around sooner rather than later.

Appreciate it, Larry. I'll text you.

 

[BGinGA]

I love (the feeling) this statement. Because it explains the love (the action) that kids require. The Greeks have and have had many words for love. Eros, agape, philautia, and more, which is telling, because the word love can mean so many things. Kids need the action love, the service, the time, the conversation, the discipline. Discipline is a form of love, and a lot of people miss that. If I didn't care, then I wouldn't discipline, simple as that. So when I do discipline my students or children, it is an act of love. (Indifference and hate are synonyms in many respects.)

Bringing a child into this world, even as a single parent, is an act of love. I would not fret a possible future conversation where a child may be angry about being purposefully brought into this world without a mother/second parent. Because the counter argument is that if you didn't care, you would not have brought them into the world in the first place. You loved them before you ever saw them, and will love them for years before they can "repay" any love (the action) back. This is a selfless act, because it is a difficult thing to do. Characterizing it as selfish is wrong. IMO

I think deciding to intentionally deprive a child of a parent -- mother or father -- CAN be characterized as selfish, but it may or may not be ACTUALLY selfish, depending on the specific situation or circumstances.

However, I still maintain that it is not in the child's best interests, regardless of the amount of love involved. No matter how hard they try, a mother can never fully fulfill the ctitical role of father, nor can father fulfill the equally critical role of mother -- it's simply not physically possible. Even in the best cases, it is simply "I did the very best I could", which still falls short.

 

[cgpilot]

+1 for what’s already been said. I usually wait for @Hornet to speak for me, but where is he at when you need him?

I can’t imagine doing it without my wife.

GL brother. I wish the best for whichever path you choose.

- Brian

 

[Hornet]

I usually wait for @Hornet to speak for me, but where is he at when you need him?

I can’t imagine doing it without my wife.

All I can say is that I agree with you 100%.

 

[Lemonzest]

However, I still maintain that it is not in the child's best interests, regardless of the amount of love involved. No matter how hard they try, a mother can never fully fulfill the ctitical role of father, nor can father fulfill the equally critical role of mother -- it's simply not physically possible.

Yeah I totally agree with this and it isn't rooted in antiquated Puritan values. In my experience families with a mom and dad in the picture seem to have a better go when it comes to parenting. But hey my exposure and knowledge on the topic is limited. You may want to talk to a family counselor and let them tell you what works and what doesn't. They see the good, bad, and the ugly and can probably help you avoid the major pitfalls.

I can wrestle and horse around with the kids and my wife doesn't understand it at all and also doesn't really know how to participate since she didn't grow up like that. At the same time my wife can play with the kids in the kitchen letting them help make smoothies or help make dinner or whatever and that is something I would never do (with kids) but she is awesome at it. It is just a lot for one person to be everything to a kid. I am just figuring things out as a dad -I can't imagine having to also fill the role of a good mom as well.

I would say the gender of the kid matters a lot too. I would be totally clueless trying to raise a little girl and prepare her to be a woman. Oh gosh that stresses me out just thinking about it !