My wife sees none of this, as she prefers to know nothing about my poker exploits.
Ya, you'd think that... and I actually have a background where a gambling addict (my stepdad) lost my family home when I was in H.S. (so I'm not a fan of major gamboling).
When I explain to her that it's not about the money, she rolls her eyes.
She knows my history with playing cards as a kid, and she has heard my claim about it being a social thing. She says she doesn't 'buy' that.
All I got is 20 year marriage experience, and I still don't have a clue, but it sounds to me like she doesn't like it, and rather than discussing it you are pointing to others who are worse and pointing to her shoes as her problem, deflection maybe?
People are selfish by nature, and if you are like me you can take something past the level of hobby to something that takes too much effort and time to while it is not an addiction, it is a major time sink. Be it poker or softball or World of Warcraft or Magic the Gathering or Pokémon, once you break the casual level and are researching the subject, practicing, whatever to rise to the level of "THE BEST", it does consume your being. This, added to a "background", which is not really you, but you are associated with it, probably adds to her dislike of the subject.
If you want to be honest about it, get a daytimer, and for the next month, every time you go on the web to look at ANYTHING to do with poker, I don't care if it is fabric for a table or what size is a cup holder, write it down and shade in how much time you spent on it, even reading this and writing a response. Add playing time, traveling time, prep time, etc. Any minute of the day you spend, shade it in. At the end of the month, look through the daytimer and add up the time.
You know ratios, so figure it out. 24 hours a day, take out sleeping (that does not count as spouse time) about 1/4 to 1/3. Work should be probably 1/2 if you include prep time and travel time, so what does that leave you for everything else? about 1/4 of your day? About 6-8 hours? Now how much of that 1/4 is spent on poker? If you are playing once a week and spending 5 hours online, that might be 12+ hours a week? 8 hours free x 7 days = 56 hours. 12/56 = 20% (approx.) so are you spending 20% of your free time on poker? How much are you spending with the family? How much alone? This is what you need to figure out, how to balance everything.
Here's the thing. Did you play poker when you were dating your fiancé? If this is something newer, then yes, it is you. She did not sign on to poker, she signed on to date night guy that bought her shoes, flowers, or whatever, took her out, and put her on the pedestal. People change, that is normal, but if you want to keep the marriage, you have to make sure she understands that you are doing it for your fun, she is welcome to join you, or to let you have your fun and you have to let her have her fun as well, and offer to join her for her fun, go shoe shopping, leave the kids at the parents and have a date, whatever it takes, but it sounds like you all are not talking. You married this person and made kids with her for a reason, and I guarantee poker was not it.
If you want my opinion, here it is and you can trash it, don't care. If you want to stay married, cut your poker time back. If you quit completely, you will blame her, and she will think you are a wuss for folding to her will, and you end up divorced. If you cut it back, you both get a win, play 2-3 times a month and use that other time just for her. She'll appreciate you listened to her, and you can have fun, and since it is less often, you will appreciate it more. Keep ignoring her opinion or not talking about it, you'll end up divorced.
I am Catholic by birth but that is about it, and every year, I give up something for Lent, even though I don't think God cares about me giving up coffee for 40+ days, it is for me to make sure I can control my urges or desires consciously at first, and then it becomes habit. Funny how afterwards, I find myself doing less of whatever it is I gave up. If you don't think you are "addicted" try 6 weeks cold turkey. At the end of the period, see how you feel. And talk to her, let her know how you feel during the process as it will help you understand yourself better. You may find that poker is an incredible time sink and she is right, but you can still play, just not every week.
Bottom line, you are asking casual acquaintances for marriage advice. Talk to her about it, or talk with someone who has actual training in relationships. Coming to a poker board asking if playing poker is bad for a relationship is like asking potheads if they should legalize pot, the answers are going to agree to your position.
Best wishes,
BiGGyT
