Uninviting Friends? (1 Viewer)

[Jimulacrum]

I agree with the prior replies saying that if he's truly a close friend, you should be able to sort this out with a quick "Please be mindful" conversation.

There was only one time he was outright disrupting play. He got up to wash his hands in the kitchen, and cards were dealt to him. I told him to get back to his seat, and he proceeded to explaining (trying to be funny) how "time is a construct". He took two minutes to get back to his seat...

I know as a host I should have folded his hand, but since I could tell he was tipsy, I was worried it would just cause more a disturbance. It was very annoying to the players at that table (of which I was at that table).

It's not fair to employ a wait-and-see approach when players aren't present as their hands are dealt. How long do you wait and see?

His hand should have been killed as soon as he crossed whatever line is indicated in the rules that govern this. If there's no written rule, you should at least hold him to whatever is customarily done for any other player. If you gave him more time than normal, it's unfair to everyone else.

The more of your narrative I read, the more I wonder how concerned you are about his drunkenness—even here, where you're worried that enforcing an absolutely standard rule in an absolutely standard way might cause a disturbance.

Have you known him to be the kind of guy who gets aggressive or out of control when he drinks too much? That, I could see being a reason to cut him from the invite list, especially if he treats poker nights as an excuse to get wasted.

 

[GreekRedEye]

I'm in the educate him and give him another chance group. You mentioned how the other players liked him. For me, as a host, that is valuable. I want people to enjoy themselves and the social dynamic matters a lot. I'd rather have a bad player who is fun and friendly than a good player who is an ***hole. You can teach people poker rules and etiquette, but you can't teach a grown man social skills.

If this really does boil down to a drinking problem and you know this guy is a ticking time bomb, well, yeah, better to cut the cord on his game night invite now. If your co-host is not friends with him, maybe he can provide you cover on "shortening" the list to the pre-existing regulars.

Good luck!

 

[4SUMERZ]

I like this actually. It may be something we implement ourselves, trimming down the guest list to 8-12 regulars, and willing in with others.

Does anyone on your spare list mind being on your "spare list"?

I like this actually. It may be something we implement ourselves, trimming down the guest list to 8-12 regulars, and willing in with others.

Does anyone on your spare list mind being on your "spare list"?

We've basically had the same 12-14 guys since 2010 playing at my home game. I've lost 2 to health issues, and one of my original members passed away a few years ago.
I've added a few new players along the way to replace them. Since we all mingle from time to time, everyone seems to talk about the last poker game, so anyone new that mentions to me that they would like to play at one of my games, I tell them sure, but that I have 8 regulars counting me, and that I can't always guarantee that they will be called. I ask if they want to be put on the spare list, in case I have an open spot. We all golf together, either at the same course, or clubs close by, or friends of friends, so no hard feelings if they find out we had a game and they were not called. I always give my guys a week notice of the next game, and have them let me know by a certain day. If I need a replacement, I seldom ever get a no if I call one of my spares, unless they have a prior commitment. I have certain preferences on that spare list as well.
To be fair, most of the guys play poker at other houses as well, including myself, so we all get to play lot's of poker.
We also have 9 guys (8 of my regulars) that play online once per week during the winter on the Poker Stars private home game. We stop that when the golf season starts in April.

 

[DeeVee8]

"Oh, are you Roman Catholic?"

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid you can't come."

imho this isn't getting enough love. I'm going to page Dr. Beeper.

 

[JustinInMN]

imho this isn't getting enough love. I'm going to page Dr. Beeper.

I didn't want to do it, but I felt I owed it to them...

 

[louBdub]

Just send him a link to this thread……

 

[raynmanas]

But he also is... shall we say... an acquired taste?

"he's an asshole, but you get used to it"

 

[RudysNYC]

For much of my life I’ve been the asshole people “need to get used to.” For part of my adult life I also had a habit of drinking too much and acting a fool. A few years ago I quietly got uninvited from a party one of my best friends was throwing for his gf’s bday.

Long story short—we haven’t talked in over two years, partially because he made dumb white lies which repeatedly compounded… even after I told him “I can live being told I’m an asshole, but I can’t live with you pissing on my head and telling me it’s raining.” To this day it eats me more that my friend of 18 years couldn’t be upfront with me about mutually known facts than that he didn’t invite me to his stupid party.

If you love him—give him a call and say something to the effect of, “listen man you were a bit nuts the other night, and when it comes to poker, I’m a bit of an Eichmann… Love you dude, but we gotta come to some kind of agreement. If you do that crap again, you’re getting 5150’d”

 

[Preditor]

"he's an asshole, but you get used to it"

Eh, not really. But I get why you think that.

I think the biggest lesson I am learning from all of this is no late-night PCF posts right after I host a tourney . It's like texting an ex while drunk.

 

[4SUMERZ]

Eh, not really. But I get why you think that.

I think the biggest lesson I am learning from all of this is no late-night PCF posts right after I host a tourney

That's a lesson we can all learn from... it's always good to sleep on it, and give it a fresh perspective in the morning. I'm sure your friend in the long run, didn't mean any harm. He deserves a 2nd look for sure.

 

[Bill_Man618]

Good friends can be direct and talk.

I’ve sat down my best of friends and told them to their face, “you’re fuckin up, tighten up” and they accept it and correct it.

If you care, and he cares, it will show in the conversation.

I too, like others above, feel like this is a salvageable situation and many years of poker can be had and memories made, if fixed directly. No soft talk.

This! If he’s was my boy I’d sit his ass down and tell him that he’s gotta dial it back next time. Not all the way back because it sounds like part of this guys personality it being the “fun” guy. But as someone who has had a good friend sit me down and tell me a few times to dial it back it’s the best course of action in my opinion. This is from someone who’s been both the receiver and giver of said conversation

 

[Labrat]

I didn't want to do it, but I felt I owed it to them...

That got one of the biggest laughs out of me when I first heard it.

 

[Labrat]

Eh, not really. But I get why you think that.

I think the biggest lesson I am learning from all of this is no late-night PCF posts right after I host a tourney . It's like texting an ex while drunk.

I haven't looked back at the posts so I don't know if other players have said anything to you, but you sound like me and are terrified that everybody doesn't get along. Totally get that.

But that might make you hypersensitive to his behavior. If nobody's said anything to you on the side, I wouldn't worry all that much about it. If they have, I'd just have a little talk with him. If you guys are as close as you say, it'd be like a brother telling the other brother "stop being a douche" over drinks.

 

[Eriks]

Like @OfficerLovejoy says: it’s better to make friends with poker players for your homegame than trying to make poker players out of your friends

 

[OfficerLovejoy]

Like @OfficerLovejoy says: it’s better to make friends with poker players for your homegame than trying to make poker players out of your friends

Can't take credit for the saying, but it's what I found to be true.

 

[Moxie Mike]

I don't think you need to uninvite the guy, especially if he was well received by the group. As host, it's your job to set expectations for all. Maybe the vibe of the group is casual and etiquette is less strict. I think you can rectify the situation with a simple email.

I had a situation about a year ago where I had a consistent regular who was egregiously breaking etiquette. A few people brought it up to me but I didn't know how bad it was until I observed it personally. A day or two later, I sent the following email:

Thanks again for continuing to volunteer to deal. It makes the game run so much better when people step up to deal for the night.

Something's come up that I need to bounce off you. I gotta ask you to make a procedural change going forward whether you're dealing or just playing.

Commenting on hands while they're in progress is a huge breach of etiquette when you're not involved in the hand, but it's especially bad decorum when you're the dealer. Please know this isn't just coming from me - several players brought this to my attention last season but I hadn't realized this needed to be addressed until after Tuesday night.

I'm not trying to beat you up - and I want you to know you're a respected member of the group and your contribution is greatly appreciated. But I wouldn't be doing my job as the organizer if I allow this to continue. So here's a few examples so you know what I'm referring to.

Making comments about the board, or how a turn/river card might have improved or players' hand is very inappropriate. Saying things like 'lots of possibilities', or 'possible straight out there' could potentially give information to a less-than-savvy player. It's also not the role of the dealer to nudge a player who's taking their time with a decision. Tuesday night Bob was in the middle of a decision and he was interrupted. That just can't happen.

If you observe dealers in public card rooms, while a hand is in progress they're always rather stoic and robotic in their mechanics - they're pretty much just there to pitch the cards and enforce the rules. That's kind of what we're going for since the Moxie League is designed to mimic a professional setting as much as reasonably possible.

Thanks for understanding. See you in 2 weeks.

The message was received as intended and wasn't an issue going forward. I'd encourage you to try a similar approach.

Here's another where I had to address someone who was a little too mean spirited in their banter and upset another player (this was the email blast that goes out to the entire group in the days after the event):

Event #5 went according to plan - a typical early exit for your humble host and some unnecessary Moxie drama for a couple individuals!​ "Can't we all just get along?" -World-Renown Drug Fiend & Deceased Amateur Philosopher Rodney King First off, congratulations go out to the one and only Stiletto Sandie, who upon seeing her husband atop the Moxie leaderboard, instantly decided this type of foolishness could not stand, and in turn declared masculinity officially dead for all eternity by skewering all her disloyal subjects to the rail in a fashion that would invoke fear in the hearts of inferior, less tyrannical rulers like Vlad the Impaler or Jimmy Carter. Sandie captured the Event #5 world title by masterfully destroying her opponents and securing 6 bounties in the process! Fun Fact #15: Sandie's win last week catapults her into sole possession of 3rd place on the all-time win list with her 4th victory on tour! One more first place finish and that coveted gold token is yours! Great job showing the world that girls can play poker too! To the surprising surprise of a few, Lavonne's margaritas were a big hit with the group! The mix and frozen fruit is all gone - but there's still some Patron left if someone wants to replenish the stash. Note #1: There was a discrepancy in the standings after event #4; the error has been corrected. Please be sure that the sign out sheet is accurate before you leave. Note #2: Special thanks also go out to the one and only 'Iron' Mike, who took last week's remarks about the beverages on hand as a personal challenge to singlehandedly purge the mini-fridge of all the weird beers that have been in there since the President of the United States was a fully lucid, impressively coherent, white man*. The purge of undesirable ales has been effective - even that blueberry shit is no longer gracing us with it's awful presence. *I don't know when in our country's great history that this was actually the case - probably before I was born. Maybe Bob E. remembers? ***Alright alright put the pitchforks down - I'm not actually calling Bob 'old'. But let's face it - he probably stopped buying green bananas a long time ago.*** Note #3: And of course special thanks goes out to Moxie poker stalwart Jeff and the incomparably fiery Queen Alexis for superb performances dealing last week's game. Note #4: Next week's game is the last regular event for season 9. Just about everyone this season has already played in the required 3 events to qualify for the championship game discount. An announcement about the game and the food plan will go out next week. Note #3.5: Speaking of dealers, it's likely we'll have a dedicated dealer next week who will not be playing - in which case be sure to take care of him if you're lucky enough to finish in the money. Note #5: Buying in for smaller denominations has been extremely helpful. Thanks and please keep it up! Finally, it's come to my attention that light-heartedly commenting on a person's nationality, ethnicity, age, gender, eye-color, male (or female) pattern baldness, height, bushiness of their eyebrows, choice of card protector, squishiness of their drink-koozie, right-handedness, or questionable taste in men has no place at the poker table in what will now be known going forward as the Snowflake Poker League. Don't worry though - what will continue to be tolerated without exception are mean-spirited, snarky, endlessly condescending remarks about everything else that you can think of that might get under an opponent's skin, including but not limited to criticism of bet-sizing, starting hand selection, choice of craft beers, personal hygiene or any other attributes that can possibly be made fun of in an effort to put a player on tilt. So in other words, you should completely disregard this poorly-intentioned PSA and carry on with your regularly scheduled nonsense and buffoonery. After all, you might just provide artwork inspiration for the next round of drink tables!

Best of luck.

 

[ekricket]

Whelp... I've done goofed up, y'all. After a 6 months of a steadily growing, successful home game, I invited a person tonight who just didn't fit in. In short, this person is a long-time friend of mine, and I frickin' love the guy. He's been there for me through a lot. But he also is... shall we say... an acquired taste?

I've invited him to other things I've hosted (movie nights, cigar nights, etc.) and never had an issue. But tonight I invited him to my poker night, and it just... didn't go well. Understand, it was nothing "disastrous". But I had the feeling as the host it was on the verge of becoming disastrous, and the stress was more than it was worth. I won't got into the details, but as one example he was just having such a jolly good time that he got a bit too tipsy, and once reached into the bank as a joke and laid 20 T1K chips next to mine (Thank God no chips spilled into the live stacks).

To make matters worse, this was our first two-table tourney. So I was already juggling a lot hosting-wise.

The problem? He has a blast. And a couple of people - who didn't witness his actions when we combined to the final table (he was well-out by them) - loved him (for many of the same reasons I love him). One of our best regulars even said, "Hey! Are you coming back next month?!"

A lot of this I blame on me. I thought he had a better understanding of poker than he did. So I fully take this as my fault for not being more discerning in inviting him.

But now... I need to find a way to tell him he's not coming back. This is a friendship I want to keep.

I think I know how I am going to do it. But any suggestions or stories from similar experiences would be highly appreciated.

I didn’t know @bergs played in your game!

 

[bergs]

One word solves all problems.

marg-a-rit-as

 

[Taghkanic]

One word solves quadruples all problems.

marg-a-rit-as

FYP

 

[bergs]

FYP

You’re saying margaritas are a force multiplier? I AGREE!

 

[ekricket]

You’re saying margaritas are a farce multiplier? I AGREE!

Fyp

 

[raynmanas]

Eh, not really. But I get why you think that.

ha, i honestly didn't even think that from your description in the OP - that's just the line i always think of when someone is described as "an acquired taste" or "a good guy once you get to know him"

 

[bergs]

You’re saying margaritas are a spill multiplier? (Starts swimming backstroke on table)

FMP…

 

[Preditor]

ha, i honestly didn't even think that from your description in the OP - that's just the line i always think of when someone is described as "an acquired taste" or "a good guy once you get to know him"

Haha. I get it.

I liken this guy to Fernet Branca (if you know what that is... if not you're missing out).

Most people HATE Fernet the first time they try it. Bitter. Minty. Off-putting. It's not "trying" to be those off-putting; it just is what it is.

But those who try it a few times start to get the subtleties, and it becomes one of their favorite drinks. The bitter, minty flavor is actually kind of the point, and it's what makes it so special. But you also need to be careful about who you recommend it to, knowing most people won't like it, and most won't take the time to try to like it.

That's this guy. There is a whole dynamic about him that off puts some people at first (myself included). He is not "rude" at ALL, but maybe "socially clueless" is a good way to explain it? But after a while he becomes a lot of people's favorite, because he really does have a heart of gold.

I would never probably invite him to something if he knew nobody there. But the person I cohost with knows him a little, and I asked her before I invited him. And he knew maybe 4 other people there, so it wasn't a totally new intro. I was also in a "I'm excited for our first big game night! I want the whole world to come!" mentality, so I maybe wasn't as discerning as usual. I just think he was a little more "fernet" than normal that night.

 

[JustinInMN]

Haha. I get it.

I liken this guy to Fernet Branca (if you know what that is... if not you're missing out).

Most people HATE Fernet the first time they try it. Bitter. Minty. Off-putting. It's not "trying" to be those off-putting; it just is what it is.

But those who try it a few times start to get the subtleties, and it becomes one of their favorite drinks. The bitter, minty flavor is actually kind of the point, and it's what makes it so special. But you also need to be careful about who you recommend it to, knowing most people won't like it, and most won't take the time to try to like it.

That's this guy. There is a whole dynamic about him that off puts some people at first (myself included). He is not "rude" at ALL, but maybe "socially clueless" is a good way to explain it? But after a while he becomes a lot of people's favorite, because he really does have a heart of gold.

I would never probably invite him to something if he knew nobody there. But the person I cohost with knows him a little, and I asked her before I invited him. And he knew maybe 4 other people there, so it wasn't a totally new intro. I was also in a "I'm excited for our first big game night! I want the whole world to come!" mentality, so I maybe wasn't as discerning as usual. I just think he was a little more "fernet" than normal that night.

Glad you are backing away from your first instinct here. And don't misunderstand, the things you brought up surely need correcting and will become a problem if repeated. I certainly wouldn't take that from a regular who should know better.

But nothing wrong with correcting first timers and see how they deal with it. Games need to grow or they will die, simple as that.

 

[raynmanas]

Most people HATE Fernet the first time they try it. Bitter. Minty. Off-putting. It's not "trying" to be those off-putting; it just is what it is.

But those who try it a few times start to get the subtleties, and it becomes one of their favorite drinks. The bitter, minty flavor is actually kind of the point, and it's what makes it so special. But you also need to be careful about who you recommend it to, knowing most people won't like it, and most won't take the time to try to like it.

This is hilarious, because I like Fernet and got my in-laws to try it on Christmas. Only my FIL could get through the whole glass, albeit very reluctantly, and I had to drink everyone else's. And they now all hate me for it and bring it up all the time.

 

[Preditor]

This is hilarious, because I like Fernet and got my in-laws to try it on Christmas. Only my FIL could get through the whole glass, albeit very reluctantly, and I had to drink everyone else's. And they now all hate me for it and bring it up all the time.

Bahaha! I've had this experience with Fernet multiple times. It's like, "I know a lot of people won't like this... but they need to try it at least once because they should!"

 

[ekricket]

This is hilarious, because I like Fernet and got my in-laws to try it on Christmas. Only my FIL could get through the whole glass, albeit very reluctantly, and I had to drink everyone else's. And they now all hate me for it and bring it up all the time.

We mix it with coca-cola, it’s a nice combo.

 

[raynmanas]

We mix it with coca-cola, it’s a nice combo.

does it taste like moxie?

 

[Preditor]

We mix it with coca-cola, it’s a nice combo.

I know this is very popular to do in South America. Personally, I just like it straight.