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Giveaway Tell me a joke, win a 10k SST! (5 Viewers)

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Little Johnny was out playing with matches in the barn one day and started a fire that burned the whole barn down.
His mom said “Johnny, when your dad sees what you done he’s gonna switch your ass!”
Little Johnny just smiled because he knew his father was in the barn
 
This is one of my favorites...with the right audience

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
 
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There’s three sisters named Flower Feather and Piano.
first girl goes to her mom and asks, “Mommy, why did you name me flower?”
Mom says, “when you were a baby, I was holding you in my arms and a flower petal floating in the breeze landed right on your head. So, we named you flower”

second daughter asks, “Mommy why did you name me Feather?”
Mom says, “well, when you were a baby, I was holding you in my arms and a feather floating in the breeze landed right on your head. So, we named you Feather”

third daughter comes up to her mom and asks, “UUNNGGAARRRGHHUUURR”
 
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell butter!!!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “All I smell is molasses.!!!"
 
Three good friends, @Raphmivey @FortyMorty and @Mr Winberg are having a dinner together with their wives.
At some point during the dinner, @FortyMorty drops his fork on the floor and bends over to get it back under the table. While under the table, he noticed that @Raphmivey 's wife is not wearing panties under her short skirt, he enjoys the view for a moment before sitting back on his chair.
Later during the dinner @FortyMorty goes to the kitchen to get more wine. Soon after @Raphmivey 's wife joins him and says ''did you enjoy what you saw?''
@FortyMorty a little embarrassed does not know what to say... @Raphmivey 's wife insists ''did you enjoy the view earlier at the dinner when you dropped you fork?''
@FortyMorty admits it was pretty nice.
@Raphmivey 's wife then says ''for 100$ it is yours''
@FortyMorty truly enjoyed the view and simply could not refuse the offer
The next Friday, @Raphmivey 's wife goes ''to work'' in the afternoon (yeah you know she is not going to work) and comes back home later in the evening (with 100$ in her pocket).
So @Raphmivey tells her ''did you see @FortyMorty today?''
@Raphmivey 's wife is embarrassed and does not know what to say
@Raphmivey insists ''did he give you the 100$?''
@Raphmivey 's wife is about to panic realizing @Raphmivey knows what happened and finally says ''yes, I saw @FortyMorty and he gave me 100$''
@Raphmivey says ''Great! He passed by this morning to borrow me 100$, he said he would reimburse today and give you the money later this evening. He is such an honest and reliable friend!''


After what you did to me, I think I deserve those chips! I'm still happy you dropped your fork and not @Mr Winberg
 
The old man and his son stood on the hill overlooking the village.

"Son, look at that wall. Do you remember when I built that wall?"

The son replied "yes, father. I remember."

"Every stone was hewn by my own hands. And yet they don't call me 'Edmund, the Builder of Walls', do they?"

"No father, they don't"

"Now look at that field," the old man continued. "Remember when I dug those irrigation canals?"

"Yes, father, I remember."

"I dug every inch by the sweat of my brow. Yet no one calls me 'Edmund, the Digger of Canals', do they?"

"No father, they don't."

The old man sighed, and there was a long pause.

"But a guy fucks one horse..."
 
joeyshin said:
This is one of my favorites...with the right audience

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
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This joke is sneaky funny. I could barely keep it together trying to tell my wife and son. :ROFL: :ROFLMAO: :ROFL: :ROFLMAO: :ROFL: :ROFLMAO:
 
Beakertwang said:
This joke is sneaky funny. I could barely keep it together trying to tell my wife and son. :ROFL: :ROFLMAO: :ROFL: :ROFLMAO: :ROFL: :ROFLMAO:
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Seriously this joke is hit or miss. People without a sense of humor are like wtf but if someone thinks it’s funny they die laughing. I laughed a good 30 mins when I told some friends telling the joke is the best since you can only really hear it once.
 
I like telling this one too:


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with Bigfoot Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints.
Other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to Sasquatch, "You promised me, Sasquatch, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of prints in the sand. Why? I trusted you. I believed in you. Why, When I needed you most, you have not been there for me?!


Sasquatch turned around, look me staight in the eyes and said,

RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRR!!!!!!!!
 
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What’s the definition of a good roommate?

A guy who goes into town and gets two blowjobs, comes back and gives you one.
 
A string walks into a bar. The bartender scowls and points to a sign that says, "NO STRINGS SERVED."

The string walks out to the parking lot, ties himself into a loop, musses up his hair, then walks back in.

The bartender gives him the stink eye for a second, then says, "Hey... Aren't you that string that I just threw out?"

"No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
 
bigdonkey said:
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money next to a horse stall

The man goes over to the bartender and asks what the set up is for.

"You pay five bucks to go into the stall where the horse is, and if you can make the horse laugh, you win all the money in the jar.

"Easy" the man says. He puts five dollars in the jar, walks up to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse starts cracking up. The man takes the money and leaves.

A week later, the man goes back to the bar, where they have the same set up.

"Same bet?" The man asks.

"No, this time you have to make the horse cry"

"Even easier" the man says. So he puts five bucks in the jar, walks up to the horse, and the horse starts crying.

The man is about to take the money and run, but the bartender stops him.

"OK, first, how'd you get the horse to laugh?"

And the man says "I told him I had a bigger dick than he did."

"And how'd you get the horse to cry?" The bartender asks.

@Mr Winberg replies, "I showed him."
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This joke wins the sample set. Its a wrap! posting the table shortly!
 
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