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Silly jokes (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter liftapint
- Start date
Patient = My wife
courage
Full House
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2014
- Messages
- 4,266
- Reaction score
- 6,770
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very sensitive guy." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very sensitive guy." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
I've become obsessed with the musical group the Monkees and it finally came to a head when my wife said she was leaving me over it. I thought she had to be kidding. And then I saw her face.
--------------------
Knock knock.
--------------------
You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes.
--------------------
Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
--------------------
You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes.
Chippy McChiperson
Straight Flush
Three logicians walk into a bar,
The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"
The first one replies,"I don't know"
The second one replies, "I don't know either"
The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"
The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"
The first one replies,"I don't know"
The second one replies, "I don't know either"
The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"
What goes "clip clop clip clop clip clop... BANG! clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop..." ?
Amish drive-by
Chippy McChiperson
Straight Flush
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large
courage
Full House
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2014
- Messages
- 4,266
- Reaction score
- 6,770
An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Chippy McChiperson
Straight Flush
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
The wife of (take your pick) an engineer / a logician / a scientist / a mathematician ... asks her husband to pick up some groceries. She says "Get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
When she asks him why he came home with 12 loaves of bread, he says "They had eggs."
When she asks him why he came home with 12 loaves of bread, he says "They had eggs."
Mushroom goes to a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says, get out, we don't serve your kind here. Mushroom replies " why not I'm a Fungi"
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Did you hear about the escaped psychic with dwarfism? He was a small medium at large.
H|Q
Flush
So, I just bought my last set of chips.
...more of a one-liner.
...more of a one-liner.
12thMan
Full House
Oh, here we go, it only took 11 posts to get to dead baby jokes this time.
Please folks, read Tommy's comments in this thread:
http://www.pokerchipforum.com/threads/tell-me-a-good-joke-please.10391
That's exactly why I've been over trading off color jokes on the internet for a long time. I know jokes that will make you cringe, make you hate me, and laugh at the same time. I am impossible to offend when it comes from a place of comedy* and not hate, but I won't type them on the net next to my username. Way to easy for somebody to get the wrong idea and for me to look like a jack ass someday.
*Tony Hinchcliffe instagrammed or tweeted a screen shot of a text message he got Saturday morning form another comic: "Hey bud, heard there was a shooting at the bar. ARE YOU OK?!?!?!" or something like that. In the wrong context that's way too soon, in comedy though that's just funny and said with no hate or malice what so ever, I believe I heard on a podcast that the guy who sent it to Tony was gay himself so it definitely wasn't said to make light of the situation, just to make light.
Guy says to a bartender, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my eye." Bartender says "OK, sure," so the guy pops out his glass eye and gently bites it.
Bartender grumbles and gets out $50. "Wait a moment," says the guy. "Double or nothing I can bite my other eye." Bartender thinks there's no way this guy has TWO glass eyes, so he says "Sure, you're on." Guy pops out his false teeth and gently squeezes them around his other (good) eye.
Bartender grumbles even more and lays down the $100. "One more thing," says the guy. "Double or nothing again, that you can slide a beer glass the length of the bar top, and I can run alongside and piss into it without spilling a drop." Bartender wants the $200 so he says "Sure, you're on."
Bartender slides a beer glass along the bar top, and the guy runs alongside and pisses ALL OVER the bar. The stream hits the beer glass maybe once. It's not even close. Guy zips up, then calmly lays $200 down on the bar. The bartender is laughing maniacally and grinning like a fool.
Just then another guy at the back of the bar shoves back his chair, knocking it over, slams down his glass on the table, breaking it, and stomps out of the bar, swearing loudly. Bartender says, "What was that guy's problem?"
Guy says, "I bet him $500 that I could piss all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."
Bartender grumbles and gets out $50. "Wait a moment," says the guy. "Double or nothing I can bite my other eye." Bartender thinks there's no way this guy has TWO glass eyes, so he says "Sure, you're on." Guy pops out his false teeth and gently squeezes them around his other (good) eye.
Bartender grumbles even more and lays down the $100. "One more thing," says the guy. "Double or nothing again, that you can slide a beer glass the length of the bar top, and I can run alongside and piss into it without spilling a drop." Bartender wants the $200 so he says "Sure, you're on."
Bartender slides a beer glass along the bar top, and the guy runs alongside and pisses ALL OVER the bar. The stream hits the beer glass maybe once. It's not even close. Guy zips up, then calmly lays $200 down on the bar. The bartender is laughing maniacally and grinning like a fool.
Just then another guy at the back of the bar shoves back his chair, knocking it over, slams down his glass on the table, breaking it, and stomps out of the bar, swearing loudly. Bartender says, "What was that guy's problem?"
Guy says, "I bet him $500 that I could piss all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."
Coming back to plain old silly jokes....
What's brown and sticky?
What's green and sticky?
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's green and sticky?
A green stick.
Chippy McChiperson
Straight Flush
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For Drizzle
12thMan
Full House
A monster walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he's drinking it the monster can't help himself and devours the woman sitting next to him. The bartender says "That's it, get out of here, I don't serve junkies!". The monster says "wtf, I'm not a drug user?", bartender says "what about that barbiturate?!"....
12thMan
Full House
Chippy McChiperson
Straight Flush
A woman walks into a drug store and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like to buy some cyanide. I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist says, “Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law. There’s no way I can sell you cyanide.”
The woman reaches into her purse and shows the pharmacist a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
The pharmacist says, “Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law. There’s no way I can sell you cyanide.”
The woman reaches into her purse and shows the pharmacist a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Chippy McChiperson
Straight Flush
A couple has sex, and when they’re finished, the woman looks in the box of condoms and sees only six left out of twelve.
She asks, “What happened to the other five condoms?”
He says, “I, uh, made balloon animals out of them for my niece.”
That night she tells a male friend what happened, and asks, “Have you ever done that?”
He says, “Of course. All the time.”
She asks, “Really? You’ve made balloon animals out of condoms?”
He says, “Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I’ve ever lied to my girlfriend.”
She asks, “What happened to the other five condoms?”
He says, “I, uh, made balloon animals out of them for my niece.”
That night she tells a male friend what happened, and asks, “Have you ever done that?”
He says, “Of course. All the time.”
She asks, “Really? You’ve made balloon animals out of condoms?”
He says, “Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I’ve ever lied to my girlfriend.”
Mr. Cheese
Full House
What did the shy pebble wish for?
To get a little boulder
bergs
Royal Flush
Two potatoes are driving down the road. They get pulled over by a police officer who strolls up to the car and tells them that a driver in a car just like his was observed picking up a prostitute in town, and he suspects the passenger of being the prostitute in question.
He asks both potatoes to get out of the car, and asks where they're from. As the passenger gets out, she sadly utters the incriminating truth.
He asks both potatoes to get out of the car, and asks where they're from. As the passenger gets out, she sadly utters the incriminating truth.
"Idaho".
how do you make a cat sound like a dog?
how do you make a dog sound like a cat?
hope that doesn't bother anyone.... just silly humor.
-gc
dip it in gasoline... light it.... it goes WOOOOF!
how do you make a dog sound like a cat?
freeze it.... take a chainsaw and cut it.... it goes MEEEOOOOOW!
hope that doesn't bother anyone.... just silly humor.
-gc
Dead baby jokes, back to 1999 we go!!!
At least 35 years further back, actually. Along with elephant jokes.
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