12thMan
Full House
I had never heard a dead baby joke before I was in high school, I was referencing for me I was heading back to 99'. 
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Silly jokes (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter liftapint
- Start date
Two guys watching a dog lick its balls.
First guy says to the second: "I wish I could do that!"
Second guy says: "Give him a biscuit and he might let you!"
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What did the happy poker table builder say to the mad builder?
sorry, I didn't know that's how you felt
How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. Who does not attend?
There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you cross it?
Open the door, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
You can't, the giraffe is there. Take out the giraffe first, then put the elephant in and close the door.
The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. Who does not attend?
The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you cross it?
You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
Two guys walked into a bar, which was strange because you'd think the second guy would have stopped after the first guy collided with it.
I got to the airport late and ran to catch my plane, which was pretty pointless because those things go like 600 mph.
Some of my favorite "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey (hopefully close enough to "jokes" to be relevant):
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand pretending he's throwing up is not what I call hospitality.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand pretending he's throwing up is not what I call hospitality.
What do you call a pachyderm that doesn't matter?
Irrelephant
coolcustomer123
3 of a Kind
A hooker tells a guy she'll do anything for $200.
Paint my house
luckbox
Straight
here are my go to's from the other thread...maybe one or two can make the cut
a) what do you call a dead blonde in a closet
the winner of the 2001 Hide and Go Seek Championship
b) two guys walkin down the road, see a dog lickin his balls, one guy says "man i wish i could do that" second man says " you better pet him first"
c) teacher asks the little rascals "who can use the word "dictate" in a sentence?" buckwheat raises his hand " spanky say my dictate good"
d) what is an amish guy on the side of the road with his arm up a horse's ass?....a mechanic
e) why does it take women so long to have an orgasm? ......who cares
f) two identical twins are on opposites side of the earth, one is on a tightrope walking over Niagra Falls, the other getting a blow job from an 80 year old woman...what are they both thinking at the exact same time?........"dont look down"
g) what is the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy.......the refrigerator doesnt fart when you pull your meat out
f) last words of most rednecks before they die "hey watch this"
have i insulted every race, color , creed and the whole 10 yards under whatever the law is?i wanted to include everyone so i would not discriminate
ok im out...hope i passed the audition
a) what do you call a dead blonde in a closet
the winner of the 2001 Hide and Go Seek Championship
b) two guys walkin down the road, see a dog lickin his balls, one guy says "man i wish i could do that" second man says " you better pet him first"
c) teacher asks the little rascals "who can use the word "dictate" in a sentence?" buckwheat raises his hand " spanky say my dictate good"
d) what is an amish guy on the side of the road with his arm up a horse's ass?....a mechanic
e) why does it take women so long to have an orgasm? ......who cares
f) two identical twins are on opposites side of the earth, one is on a tightrope walking over Niagra Falls, the other getting a blow job from an 80 year old woman...what are they both thinking at the exact same time?........"dont look down"
g) what is the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy.......the refrigerator doesnt fart when you pull your meat out
f) last words of most rednecks before they die "hey watch this"
have i insulted every race, color , creed and the whole 10 yards under whatever the law is?i wanted to include everyone so i would not discriminate
ok im out...hope i passed the audition
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Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble
Chippy McChiperson
Straight Flush
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
ThinkingFold
Flush
What do you call a puppy in the desert?
A hot dog!
jemfernandez
3 of a Kind
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop
jemfernandez
3 of a Kind
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
Ok here it goes
What do you call a group of masturbating Bulls?
What do you call a group of masturbating Bulls?
Beef Stroganoff
slisk250
Straight Flush
Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. So he went to the hardware store and said, "Hello, I'd like to buy 99 bricks."
The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."
"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.
"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.
He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air!
The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."
"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.
"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.
He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air!
slisk250
Straight Flush
A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."
He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"
"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.
Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!
The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.
However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth?
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The Brick!!!!!
He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"
"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.
Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!
The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.
However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth?
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The Brick!!!!!
Why is not wise to eat dinner at a clown's house?
Food Tastes Funny
Chicken Rob
Full House
Chicken Rob
Full House
What do you call Neil DeGrasse Tyson pouring champagne all over his bare chest?
When I graduated high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, her brother had died in a horrible motorcycle accident
An astro-fizzy-tits.
When I graduated high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, her brother had died in a horrible motorcycle accident
and I could just have his motorcycle.
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